Principles of Mediation

I. No one gets his/her way all the time.

We negotiate constantly. We bargain at work, at home, before entering into large contracts, and virtually everywhere else. Disagreements over terms themselves cause further disagreements. Mastering the give and take of negotiation is essential. Here are nine working principles:

1. Know what you can and cannot compromise on.
2. Do not be afraid of conflict. View it as an opportunity for something positive to emerge.
3. Look for similarities and parallels between the two sides.
4. Be patient. Do not hurry. But remain persistent.
5. Remain positive and optimistic at all times.
6. Be open to changing your mind if the situation calls for it.
7. Take breaks in the negotiations. Know when to back off.
8. Trust in your native powers of intuition.
9. Work for win-win solutions. More about this below.

II. When one side wins disproportionately in a negotiation, the long-term result is resentment and distrust.

Some people view negotiation as a competitive exercise. They seek to “Win at any cost.” This view is a shortsighted. When one side wins disproportionately in a negotiation, resentment and distrust grow.

It is far better to look for solutions that cause both parties to feel like winners. Win-win solutions assume an attitude of conciliation and respect. We say to one another, “I don’t want to win unless you can also feel like you won. If we cannot reach a place of mutual satisfaction, let’s agree not to make a deal.”

Here are three prerequisites for win-win negotiations:

1. A commitment to fairness. Not equality, but equity.
2. An abundance mentality. Scarcity-thinking robs us of the ability to be generous.
3. A willingness to work for a creative compromise that perhaps no one has yet thought of. Albert Einstein said, “The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.”